Lacuna

About this series

This body of work began as an exploration of my relationship with my ancestors. I know that they live on, both in and around me – they shaped me into existence, and their passing reshaped them back into all of existence. Yet I struggle to feel their presence, and I really want to. I have questions I'm just now living into, and they hold some of the answers. There is healing to do, and I'm curious if we might find ways to do it together. This world is not one we can go alone, and I could use them at my back.

For these reasons and more, I’ve been searching for a way to connect. But the only thing I’ve felt with any consistency is absence. Then, in a podcast, I heard the poet Andrea Gibson say, “I try to think about God, but that never works.” She's right; thinking about a relationship is not the same as being in relationship. Not only that, but being in relationship requires showing up for what is, not what we imagine should be.

Instead of pushing absence away as a sign of failure, I am now paying attention to when and how it shows up. I count each visit, just as we’re taught to count our breaths while meditating. I sit and listen. I hear: “Here we be. Pay attention. You too will become an ancestor one day.”

This series is ongoing.